Why is it so challenging to find a camera bag for a woman?

The camera bag I currently have is a Crumpler bag, I believe it’s the 3 million dollar home.  I bought it a long time ago when I only used one lens.  It has lasted for years, so it definitely does it’s job.  However, it is not practical for what I need and want in a camera bag anymore.

What I Am Looking For In a Camera Bag

• Looks like a purse…fashionable!
• Made of quality material
• Carries my usual purse needs: iPhone (easy access pocket), wallet, keys, lip gloss (at a minimum) and pen, sunglasses, tiny makeup case, bluetooth headset, point & shoot, plus a bit of extra room just in case (at a maximum)
• Protects but allows easy access to my Nikon D90 with a lens on it
• Holds and protects 1-2 extra lenses
• Fastens on top to prevent thieves
• Shoulder strap so I can wear it while I do photoshoots
• Not too heavy so I hurt myself…distributes weight evenly
• Weather-resistant in case of rain, wind, sand, or surf (would love for it to be a good travel bag as well) but this is not a deal-breaker

Of course, this decision to get a camera bag comes a bit too late for my birthday wishlist.  My birthday is in less than a week!
I will be posting some things I find over the next few days.  Any suggestions?